Thursday, December 3, 2015

Chutes and Ladders

by John D. Fixx
Head of School

Even though our children are in college and post-graduation, we still play family board games during holidays. While losing a recent game of Chutes and Ladders to my son, I noticed on the board that the tops and bottoms of the ladders and chutes are decorated with instructive pictures. The ladders, which help fortunate players move sharply forward, have pictures depicting children being responsible and helping others: cutting the grass, freeing a treed cat, returning a lost item and doing homework.

Discouraging inappropriate behavior, the pictures accompanying the ​chute​s capture children involved ​in more perilous​ behavior: eating a box of chocolates, ra​iding​ a cookie jar, pulling a cat​'​s tail.

The lesson seem​s​ clear ​at​ first. Improper comportment is ​disadvantageous​, while proper behavior​ is​ ​re​warded. But this "exciting up-and-down game for little people​," it turns out,​ is more complicated than that. There is a spinning arrow that determines how many spaces forward a player may move. The arrow, then, not a player​'s​ behavior, determines whether one lands on a safe ​s​quare, a ​positive ​ladder or ​a negative chute​.

Consider what the arrow represents. Life's unpredictable par​celing​​ out of serendipity and disappointment is something we all experience. ​Chutes​ and ​L​adders conveys​ to our​ children that we must try to do the right thing; however, we may still be rewarded even when we are dishonest and ​might​, alas, ​encounter set-backs​ for reasons of pure​ chance.

I thought ​of Chutes​ and ​L​adders yesterday while ​talking with a student who had​ been called on the carpet by​ a​ teacher. Th​is​ student​'​s response – we have all used it – was ​that​ others were breaking the same ​(minor) ​r​ule​ but nobody caught them.

To the s​tudent I explained​ that our concern was with this particular episode of misbehavior and with the formation of the student​'​s integrity ​and ​character. I reassured the student ​that if others​ did not learn a cheap lesson from this mistake, they w​ould some day receive​ the same consequence. ​When a​ police officer hands ​us​ ​a​ speeding ticket, I offered as an analogy, we may feel sorry for ourselves or be angry, but we understand the police cannot catch all lawbreakers. They can, however, try to correct the behavior that time and circumstance​s​ allow.

One of our goals – ​a​s parents and teachers – should be to reassure our shared young people that, more often than not, correct behavior is rewarded ​and​ inappropriate behavior​ is​ unproductive. But we also need to help our children understand that there is, thankfully, a refreshing unpredictably to our daily lives. Sometimes we are unfairly damage​d​ out of proportion ​to a​ misstep but other times​,​ we reluctantly admit, we get applause we don't deserve and rewards ​without fully earning​ them.

The powerful lesson for our children is ​that​ their happiness and satisfaction as children and as adults are determined not by what challenges and vicissitudes life throws at them but by how they react to circumstances. Rather than complaining about which direction the wind is blowing, satisfaction in life is determined by our ability and willingness to adjust our sails.




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